I Can't Keep Quiet

05.09.2017

Me too. 

It's been a painful process of understanding this night, and the after effects that I face from it. To list a few: the anxiety of leaving my house alone, experiencing a panic attack whenever someone looks in my direction and questioning every single person's intentions. 

It would be far too simple to form an understanding in this way. The reality is, I can't reduce this night, to suddenly 'fix' myself, and go back to feeling normal again. Whatever 'normal' is. Perhaps my normal is a day that I feel 'ready' to talk. I have a feeling that there isn't going to be a 'ready' for me but I hope I can begin to feel accustomed to my new normal. I feel that today. Today, I want to talk. I no longer want to feel ashamed of being sexually assaulted because that sense of guilt is not on me. 

For the most part, this has been my time-frame since last September:

Silence. The voices of anxiety in my head were deafening, and the only way I felt I could cope was to be on my own and hide away from everyone. I couldn't face the judgement, or the look of pity if I was to talk. I craved a sense of normality, insisting that if everything appeared OK. on the surface then I would still be the confident and 'in control' person I used to be. But keeping it to myself was eating my up.

I remember being at a loss of words and feeling incredibly uncomfortable when I first told a close friend. My initial reaction was to awkwardly laugh - I didn't want anyone to think I had lost control. And then I remember shortly after, bursting into tears; even I could not pretend that I was OK. For a long time my silence was a consequence of shame as I blamed myself entirely for what had happened. If this had happened to anyone else...I would not have blamed them for a second. I tried to excuse the other person because I wanted to forget about what had happened. But if you have to doubt someone's intentions with you, then you have already found your answer.

Recently I have asked myself 'how can I be so political with the writing I construct, as an English Literature undergrad but neglect the power of my own voice; a voice that could speak up about the sexual assault I experienced that night and continue to re-live so vividly?' This blog post is a symbol of me putting down the weight of this night. I'm no longer giving it the power to hold me down.



How long did it take to feel 'normal' again?
I remember Googling this in hope of gaining some reassurance or realising a time-frame that would explain how long I would have to struggle before I fixed myself. But there isn't and I have learnt that it's not about going back to who you were before this; it is about learning how to continue creating a better life for yourself. 

I recently watched an inspiring episode from 'The Bold Type' which discusses this in such an eye-opening way. Jacqueline's character opens up about her traumatic experience, and is asked if she would ever feel normal again

"I can only speak from my own experiences but I would say the answer is no; but you find a new normal and it works so well that sometimes you don't even know that it's not."

Did I consider therapy?
I would be lying if I said no and maybe sometime in the future I will reach out to someone for it. But my therapy has been from the most supportive, close friends I have around me who understand when I need to shut myself away, or go running to vent off some of my emotions. They have been the best therapy that could have been offered to me. Although I have not spoken up, those that have through campaigns such as #MeToo, #TimesUpNow and many other platforms, they have inspired me to keep going.  Reading about so many strong men and women who have been victims of sexual assault has stimulated my drive to complete my final year at University and I cannot thank them enough. Therapy works for many people and perhaps, given time I will be ready to go through it.

"I can't keep quiet, for anyone, not anymore"